To say I have always detested the “New Year new me” saying is an understatement and I truly wish it wasn’t only January 2nd as I type this on my laptop but hear me out. This is something I have been wanting to do for quite some time but for several different reasons, did not have the drive it takes to actually sit down and write what I am trying to say instead of just living with these thoughts inside my head, obsessing over everything multiple times a day, on a daily basis, watching as they eat my mind and body away (There’s a difference between what I write in my notes app and what I am willing to share by the way) I have never been a new year’s resolutions kind of person, but if there is one thing I’ve had an urge to do this past year it is to bring back sincere-posting. Being earnest and vulnerable online was almost like my trade mark, I overshared for sport. I constantly struggle with this and I guess it’s mostly brain rot from being online for so long and seeing how dark these places can become when you're being an honest, authentic and sincere person. I look back and cringe at the amount of things I was openly sharing for thousands of people to see, dissecting me like a frog in biology class. A part of me is deeply embarrassed, especially since something I have found out about myself is how much I can change in the span of 6 months, sometimes even less, due to my wide array of interests and varying opinions, which are often contradictory. The other part of me, felt strangely happier back then. Maybe it was the naiveté that comes with being younger or maybe I just didn’t have the voices in my head telling me what I was doing was pathetic (oversharing feels so good when you don’t have a bitch in your ear telling you it’s nasty) I have truly become quite a private person within the past 2-3 years to the point even my closest friends have to pull information out of me so I am not a complete stranger to them. I stopped sending newsletters because I successfully convinced myself that no one gives a fuck (not in a “woe is me” nobody loves me type of way but in a “girl who cares” way) or that people are truly rooting for me to fail, or maybe they just think I am dumb and have nothing to say. Also, I can’t multitask and I can only commit to a very limited amount of people and things in my life; I can’t be consistent, and get quickly overwhelmed then move on and away from was I was doing. This happens with mostly everything I do except painting.
Maybe this blog format will work best for me as opposed to the newsletter, since I won’t have to see the statistics that my own website was automatically generating for me, sending reports without my consent and with no option to turn them off regarding who is opening my emails, who is reading them, who is unsubscribing, etc. I do not need to know any of this! The same way now Instagram shows you how many times people have shared what you post. Who in the fuck would want to know that? I sure don’t. Posting is excruciating! Being perceived is miserable enough, why do I need to know that people are talking about me in private? Isn’t that kind of psychotic? Tech moguls are evil and out of their minds, they want to keep us insecure and surveilled. Anyways… as I was saying, maybe 2025 is the year where I go back to my pre-prefrontal cortex development era.